Krisesphobia
by DiscordantHarmony426
Summary: Lincoln has to face the greatest challenge of his life, and in doing so, he just might learn something about his second eldest sister.
1. Crises Of Conscience

In all his years of quelling the chaos at the Loud house, Lincoln has to face the hardest challenge of his life. You see, there's a certain sister that he has to deal with on a regular basis. Said sister is hyper receptive to any actions directed near her, or towards her. And Lincoln has to be extremely careful on what he says to her. This is his kindest and one of the most beautiful of his sisters. If he messes up and says the wrong thing to her, he'd have to live with the consequences for at least the rest of today. He doesn't want to do this, he doesn't want to break her fragile little heart but sometimes she needs to know if she's doing something wrong. But how do you do so without hurting her feelings and making yourself a pariah to everyone around you? Everything he does, a potential crisis for both of them. And eventually, just like in the game of minesweeper, he has to hit a landmine sometime…

"Hey, Linky!" She announces vibrantly "I just finished making a new floral dress. Do you want to be the first one to try it out?"

" _No."_

 _His sister runs away crying._

 _"Lincoln! You literally made Leni cry! I'm going to turn you into a human pretzel!"_

 _"No…" Leni sniffles "No, it's fine, Lori. I'm the stupid one. Obviously, a boy won't try out an article of clothing meant for women. Just…don't punish him for my mistake."_

"Uh, sure Leni. I'll be your model."

"Seriously? That's totes great! Come with me!"

Both of them walk towards Lori and Leni's room. Leni tries to open the door but gets shocked by their security system.

"Ugh, Lori enabled this stupid security system again! What was the password again?"

 _T-R-U-M-P-C-A-R-D_

 _J-A-C-K-O-F-H-E-A-R-T-S_

 _Q-U-E-E-N-O-F-C-L-U-B-S_

 _J-O-K-E-R-5-1-5-2_

 _S-P-A-D-E-Q-U-A-S-H_

 _A-C-E-O-F-S-P-A-D-E-S_

 _8-O-F-S-P-A-D-E-S_

 _R-O-Y-A-L-F-L-U-S-H_

 _Q-U-E-E-N-O-F-D-I-A-M-O-N-D-S_

 _C-A-R-D-C-O-U-N-T-E-R_

 _Q-U-A-D-D-E-U-C-E-S_

 _Leni gets shocked after each attempt and gets locked out for trying to enter the password too many times._

"Surely there must be an easier way? Lori would probably take precautionary measures so that you could access your shared room."

"I totally agree, Linky. But how would she be able to do that?"

Leni notices a button with a picture of herself on it. She presses it.

"Leni mode activated, prepare for voice recognition…"

"I'm totes going to the mall after this."

"Welcome back, Leni."

 _The door opens. Lincoln and Leni enter the room but Lori is already there._

 _"Oh, hey Lori. Can you go away for a while?"_

 _"What did you just say to me, Leni?"_

 _"Well I mean, Lincoln is going to be doing something for me today."_

 _"And why should I care?"_

 _"Because it will most likely be humiliating for him."_

 _"Ok, now I have to stay here and see what's going to happen next."_

 _Leni glowers firmly at Lori but she doesn't move. Eventually Leni relents and continues with their plans today. Unbeknownst to them, Lori is recording the whole thing on her cellphone._

 _"Ok, now I'm going to look away and let you try on the dress. Just tell me when you're ready." Leni says with her back turned away from him and with her hands covering her eyes._

 _"Ok, I'm ready."_

 _Leni turns around and sees him wearing her dress. She's proud of herself for creating this masterpiece and proud of her brother for having the courage to try it on, despite people mocking him for it._

 _"Ok Linky, now tell me what you…" Leni notices that Lori was recording the whole ordeal "LORI! Did you just record our brother?!"_

 _"Of course!"_

 _"Even when he was getting dressed?!"_

 _"Yes!"_

 _"Wow! I never thought you be such a lascivious pervert to your own brother! I thought you'd only be lewd toward Bobby!"_

 _"YOU LEAVE MY PRECIOUS BOBBY BOO BOO BEAR OUT OF THIS!"_

 _Leni tries to snatch Lori's phone._

 _"DELETE THE VIDEO!"_

 _"GET OFF OF ME!"_

 _The two eldest sisters begin fighting while poor Lincoln has to stand there and watch (he can't leave, he's still wearing Leni's dress and he can't risk going outside in it, lest he be mocked by his other sisters. And he can't get dressed during a confrontation, someone might accidently peep)! He decides to take his clothes and himself into their closet during the duration of their fight._

 _During their scuffle, Lori accidently presses the "send" button to every student in Royal Woods High School (yes, even Leni)._

 _"Why didn't you delete the video?"_

 _"Because it was funny!"_

 _"Is it "funny" that you ruined our brother's life?!"_

Thankfully, Lori wasn't in the room, so Lincoln and Leni could continue their plan without incident.

"Viola, I call it "A Dull Camera", Do you like it?"

"Yes."

 _"Oh please, it's solanum dulcamara, you asinine retard!"_

 _Leni bursts into tears and runs away._

 _"Lisa! Why'd you do that?!"_

 _"It's not my fault our second eldest sister has the mental capacity of a prokaryote. Naturally, I have to proofread her intelligence a lot."_

 _"What about her feelings?"_

 _"Facts over feelings, elder brother."_

 _"You're a scientist. Surely you know that Leni is hypersensitive when it comes to her emotional state."_

 _"Indeed. But she can't go on living her life in naiveté, Lincoln." Lisa deduces tersely_

 _"Agreed, but there must be a tactical approach to this…"_

"Um, Leni…it's called dulcamara."

"Oh, my bad. See, I overheard some students in our high school's botany class and this was one of the plants that they were discussing. They said that this was a highly toxic plant in the solanaceae family but they also mentioned that tomatoes, eggplants, potatoes and chili peppers are also solanum. But if its so deadly, then how come we eat solanum-based foods on a daily basis and not die from the solamargine and solanine glycoalkaloids they produce?"

Lincoln can't process what was said. Not because he doesn't understand what Leni is trying to say but it's because Leni said it. He'd normally expect this scientific deduction from Lisa.

"Never mind. I just think the flower looks totes cute, so I used it in my design."

"Well, I think I have a better name. How about "Fatal Attraction?""

"Wow, Linky! That is a totes better name than what I came up with. You really should be a nomenclaturist."

Lincoln takes off Leni's dress and re-adorns his signature orange shirt and blue jeans. He then heads of toward his own room after bidding Leni farewell. Yes, it's not easy to tell Leni she's wrong without the threat of her overreacting to what he's trying to say to her. It's a pretty difficult balancing act but Lincoln has managed to find a sweet spot when letting his sister down gently. After all, no one wants to see Leni cry.

But something strikes him as odd. Leni seemed…a mite more intellectual when discussing why she chose solanum dulcamara to him. Maybe…

…

…

…

Maybe Leni is more intelligent than the other sisters think. Lincoln had hypotheses about this perceived notion before. In his cerebral cortices, he was confident enough that with a slight trauma to the cranium, Leni's brain will rewire itself and make her intelligent enough to solve a complex calculus equation. Solving her non-negative integer exponents before multiplying her z-polynomials. He even thought she was smart enough to get into Harvard! Of course, he also gave Leni a bigger ego but considering she somehow got into the most prestigious private school in America, it would a bigger surprise if she didn't have an ego. But this was all a machination formed by a facet of his cerebral cortex, right?! Maybe Lincoln was right all along. He reflects on what just happened by lying down on his bed.

* * *

 **Author's Note: _Things mentioned in italics are what Lincoln thinks will happen_ , while text written normally is what actually happened.**


	2. Neural Network

Lincoln wakes up in what seems to be a park of some sort. The pink flesh-like texture vaguely smells like tuna. He runs his hands through the indentations and feels the gyri and sulci through his dendritic pseudopods. Upon exiting the park, he notices a directory which tells him he's in…

"The prefrontal cortex?! How is this possible? I'm an 11-year-old boy that lives in the small town of Royal Woods, Michigan! And there's no place on Earth named "Prefrontal Cortex"! Oh no, did my parents accidentally sign me up for a trip on one of SpaceX's rockets? Am I on Mars? Is Elon Musk really a supervillain out for worldwide domination? Am I just phase 1 in his master plan?!" He says, sounding like that cute panophobic rabbit he conjured up when he was trying to impress the little orange-bow girl.

"But what if your plan doesn't work!? What if you ruined your chance to make a good first impression?! What if you grow old and alone?! What if I grow old and alone?! What if the world ends tomorrow?! What if Chris Savino finished writing out all of her script?! Ah, good times." A turquoise-colored neuron approaches him.

"What are you talking about?" Lincoln asks the strangely omniscient neuron

"Oh, that was when you bumped your head on a tree branch and knocked yourself out. Honestly, the thump was so loud we thought you killed yourself by accidentally breaking your neck! By the way, that "cute panophobic rabbit's" name is Brooke, in case you were wondering."

"How can you read my thoughts?"

"Because we're in your brain, Lincoln."

"Hey, how'd you know I'm actually Lincoln and not some random neuron?"

"Because you only appear when Lincoln is in REM sleep. Therefore, you're essentially the avatar for Lincoln when he's lucid dreaming, just like he is right now."

* * *

A quintet of neurons surrounds the turquoise one.

"Mayor Kristina, you can't just toddle aimlessly wherever you please! The creator has invested a lot of BP to protect you from the wretched hive on the cortex's outskirts. He's created a cytoplasmic motorcade and a slew of elite SSN's to prevent one of those degenerates from taking a nuke shot at you! You can't just talk to random people and recklessly endanger yourself!" The leader of the neuron security squadron berates. He looks like neuron Lincoln, except the orange and white colors are swapped.

"As mayor of the 10th cortical district, you have a duty to address the ladies and gentle-neurons about the OFC's problems!" A dark blue neuron, which is polymorphized into an older version of Lana, notes

"I'm afraid you'll have to step aside, sir." A pink neuron that perfectly resembles Lola says to dream Lincoln

"No, he can come along."

"But, mayor…?!"

"There isn't a problem, is there? After all, it's just a stuffy old building."

"Fine. But we have to check him for weapons."

"Go ahead."

The neurons check dream Lincoln for any weapons.

"Ok, he doesn't have any. Go right in but we're watching you."

* * *

Lincoln follows Kristina toward the city hall-esque building off in the distance. Upon closer inspection. He sees a whole bunch of propaganda that have pictures of this turquoise neuron, who kind of looks like his sister Leni, with words like υπακούς, Σε βλέπω and μεγάλη αδελφή ξέρει όλα. It makes it seem like this Kristina is a tyrannical despot, just like a certain someone from an infamous literary masterpiece, which she acknowledges.

"I bet you're wondering about that. Well, one of my top aides thought it would be hilarious to portray me as a tyrant for an April Fools day prank. I congratulated him on his attention to detail on the propaganda, but I had to arrest him for defamation of character. You see, our creator, Lincoln Loud, has allocated brainpower, or BP, as the currency of the neurological community. As such, it is a tremendous waste of brainpower to use to clean up such an asinine prank."

They enter the city hall, where Kristina leads him down into the main chamber. She turns on the lights, revealing a massive surveillance network monitoring every region of Lincoln's brain.

"This is the Neural Network. A mass surveillance project meant to keep the neurons of Lincoln's brain safe. Think of it like the Machine from Person of Interest. It detects all violence. That being said, we just don't have enough enforcement to liberate the OFC. That is why it's a criminal stronghold. So, in essence, I am actually the antithesis to Big Brother from the famous Orwellian dystopian novel 1984."

* * *

On one of the screens is a BP building (think a tax collection agency).

"I just don't see why we need to give our hard-earned BP back to the creator!"

"It's because without him, you wouldn't even have BP to begin with. Now let's just get this over with."

The customer morphs one of his hands into a shotgun.

"You'll never take me alive, copper!"

"No Johnny, don't do it!"

She's too late, as the customer already fissioned himself.

"Ah, that's our BP auditor, Kopsio. She's actually had neurons fission themselves in front of her multiple times. It happens so often that she's not surprised that neurons would rather ice themselves than recycle their BP back to the creator. What some people wouldn't do…"

* * *

"Say, why are you named Kristina?"

"Perhaps I represent an idealized version of your former girlfriend?"

"No, because her name is spelled "Cristina", not "Kristina". And how did you know I wanted her to be my girlfriend?"

"Because I can read your mind. No seriously, I can do that because I'm literally a figment of your imagination. A neuron given sentience by a benevolent, creative young boy."

"I never did get over her…"

"Well Sparky, just make sure you don't end up like your inspiration. As you know, Charles Schulz's first girlfriend became the inspiration for the little red-haired girl in Peanuts. It seems like Chris Savino is making you retread the same ground Schulz once walked on, with that girl with the orange bow in her hair. Sometimes I wonder if his first girlfriend truly did love him but was ultimately happier with someone else."

The two of them return outside to the main entrance of the city hall like edifice whereupon Lincoln notices a streak of silver with etchings and insignias embedded into it.

"Kristina, what is that plaque for?" Dream Lincoln questions

* * *

"Ah, keen eye there, Linc. That's the ασημένια Στάνταρ, or Silver Standard plaque. It is what all of us neurons were progenerated for…our divine purpose, if you will. I adhere to this code for the rest of my life. For our creator, Lincoln Loud."

"Omnes enim unum et unum enim omnis"

Under the first verse, is a picture of their creator, Lincoln Loud, being surrounded by 11 differently colored neurons. Under the second, are those very same neurons, now polymorphed into his sisters, generating an electrical discharge to the center figure, Lincoln, who's head is shown hollow, as the focal point of the undecuple discharge is unifying into a singular beam of energy into his brain.

"You see, we're in a mutualistic symbiotic relationship with Lincoln. He gives us life, we give him knowledge, power and energy to complete tasks."

Dream Lincoln is left with the can of worms Kristina inadvertently opened about the existentialism of neurons. Kristina, noticing this, decides to divert his attention on the subject by replacing it with a seemingly random one.

* * *

"You know, I am seen as a generally kind person. And I want to share my kindness with others. That's why I created the Liliana Mandate, to spread joy and positivity around."

"With how cynical and jaded the world is nowadays? Good luck!"

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now, we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

"Corinthians 13…"

"Correct. We both know that a certain sister of yours embodies these traits more than the rest. It is Leni, is it not? You know it in your heart to be true."

"Leni is the kindest person I know. But I have one question…"

"What is it, Linky?"

"Who's Liliana?"

* * *

"Liliana Mumy, the voice actress of your sister Leni. Ironic that Chris Savino originally wanted his show to be about rabbits but we both know that Liliana, not Grant or Collin, was the first cast member to be a rabbit, albeit on a completely different show, on a completely different network, by a completely different creator. You probably know her as Panini from Carl Greenblatt's hit November 2, 2007 Cartoon Network show, Chowder."

"Oh yeah, I heard of C.H Greenblatt before. He worked on SpongeBob and now, he's returned to give us Harvey Beaks."

"Too bad Viacom is treating this great creator like crap."

"Viacom also fired my creator because they thought he was a sexual harasser. As far as we know, he's not. But he still admitted to it so that the media watchdogs would stop harassing him. Unless you give me evidence, it didn't happen. Especially since after Weinsteingate, #Metoo has become a witch hunt, instead of it being used to denounce sexual abuse by powerful people (which is what it was supposed to do) to now being used as a stepping stone for women to overthrow the patriarchy."

"This is a sad world we live in."

"Trump is president, he'll destroy America; But Hillary would have razed America till there was nothing left."

"Enough about Vilecom, isn't Panini Chowder's stalker?"

"Eh, I would call her Chowder's rapist. She would force him to be her boyfriend no matter how many times he tells her no. At least the nightmare is over (unfortunately due to cancellation) and Liliana was hired on to voice one of your sisters."

"Yeah…it all worked out in the end, didn't it?"

"You should probably go to her now. I'll be waiting."

* * *

Lincoln wakes up from his dream and leaves to find Leni. Upon seeing her, he rushes up to her and hugs her tightly.

"Hey Linky. What happened?"

"I had a reality check."

Yes, Lincoln is quite lucky to have Leni as a sister, isn't he?


End file.
